filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
