I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
