I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
