Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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