Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
