I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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