I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
