Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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