Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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