My underwear smells like fireworks.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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