When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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