he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
