tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
