A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
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I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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