where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
