How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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