Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
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