I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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