im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
