Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
