She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
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Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
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Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.