R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
