I'm being pulled over???
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
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she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
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I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped