can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You are the jesus of drinking
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