Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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