Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
