it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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