My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
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he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
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Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.