i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
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My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
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YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape