my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
