apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
