i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
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I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
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I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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