The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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