Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize