I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
