I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
