I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
