What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I have aggressive nipples.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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