dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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