am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
