oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
