His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
