help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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