the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
