I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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