I only kidnapped one of them. chill
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
