Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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