guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
