I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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