Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
