this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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