He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
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Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
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You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.