I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.