When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
