Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure