highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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