What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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