You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
