the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
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